Sunday, June 14, 2009

In which it is the end.

Lately I've been feeling a bit depressed about a lot of things.
The end of my junior year in high school ends in officially one and 1/2 days. I then move on to become a senior, preparing to be a freshman all over again in college, rebuilding my reputation, claiming who I am in this world once again. Even without this movement to a new year, I still cry regardless - one of my most dearest friends has disappeared from MSN, and I haven't seen him for two months. At first, he was missing for a week - I thought the same thing as I did before, he's probably busy, but I do see him in bits and pieces of time. This time he's been gone a whole week, and I haven't seen or heard from him. I'm scared for where he might be. What might have happened to him. He was my best of best friends, and I doubt I'd be able to continue life enjoyably without him. His disappearance has put a damper on my spirit. That and listening to Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne doesn't help either.
Everytime I listen to Keep Holding On, it renews my passion, makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me smile. I get goosebumps listening to the lyrics - as if they demean me from helping. It makes me seem useless in a world full of need. It's weird how everyone who does well academically has some astounding passion to save mankind - it raises the question; do we do it because we want fame, do we do it because we want to, or do we do it because it is our destiny to do so.
My passion for wanting to help people was never about fame. I don't care for glory, I don't care for fame or riches. I believe I get more out of helping people, that feeling and sense of accomplishment and self-pride for doing so. That in itself has no price tag; it is not purchasble, it is to be gained. The only reason why I planned to go on American Idol or AGT was not because of fame, but because if I succeeded I would be able to raise so much money to help people than I would as a nobody. But I now made the complete decision not to audition for any of it all. I fear the success - I can't handle the job stress of paparazzi swarming me. I don't want to be pitied for the mistakes I make in the business - judged by millions of people who think they know me because they read fan sites about my life, but at the same time, if I had become successful; by me making this decision, am I robbing those in need of a better life. Am I that selfish to do so.


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